Knowledge is a gift, but the knowledge of oneself should be somewhat (I believe to be solely my opinion) of an effortless task. Would it not make sense that one should know oneself because that is who they are closest to 24/7? Those that ignore such a fact either 1) hate themselves (very unlikely), 2) have a low intrapersonal intelligence, or 3) simply do not bother. With an acquaintance with oneself one must know their emotions to a sometimes unbearable extent. To do so they must dexterously access their feelings, concisely pin point in which stage of emotion they currently reside, and most importantly learn from these knowledgeable events. Personally I feel I do this every single day(not to be pompous, but everyone will find out soon enough). Although I'm not highly interpersonal, I can however understand myself just fine. It's just the communicating them (the feelings) to others I worry about.We all know a picture is worth a thousand words, but our feelings are worth, well in my case none. They leave us all speechless. This brings me to the value of the critical "self-knowledge". When you can obtain self knowledge you not only touch upon something that is easy to tap into(the ability is there, its just your choice to harness it), but a its place or state of mind that is really just helpful. For example, I become a witness to some painstaking obstacles and triumphs to my success. The appropriate interlude would be the death of my mother. I did a LOT of thinking in the past 5 years of my life. First I came through acceptance, which invariably is supposed to come at the end of the thought process or knowledge that most psychologists have of the bereavement period of a loved one. And I realized this. One of my friends just the other day said, "Oh I had many close relatives pass away and I did not react at all." Sure that could be a possibility, but its a lie. Not to me, but to herself. She could be hurting so deeply inside, but all she does is let it be pushed away, instead of sorting in her memory and putting it to rest. After my realization that, that was NOT normal I decided I must in fact cry, grieve, mull over the thoughts. How was a 12 year old to do so? I had no idea, at the time. First I tried the crying, that didn't work. Apparently one is not supposed to cry at the burial. I didn't know this, so if I was to cry I'd do it in private, which eventually made me very depressed. Then I decided I did not get enough satisfaction from the tears so I would then next grieve. I wore black, most of 8th grade, actually. People thought I was Gothic, and I thought that was funny. And even though this is besides the point, I did not pierce myself or paint myself with a vast amount of makeup. The next step was for me to mull over thoughts. This so far has taken up a total of 4 years, which is a very long time, well at least to think. Even though through that process I managed to isolate myself completely (not entirely my fault, I can blame most of it on my overprotective father) from society. I mean its not like someone else is going to take the time to understand me, trust me, I'd need a highly skilled psychologist. The point being that I understand myself. Sometimes I think, that I more intrapersonally intelligent than most adults. By the time some people are 30 they're getting ready to settle down, and haven't even given enough thought to critical events in their lifetime.
Apart from looking within, I make sure I know my faults and or weaknesses well (which are expressed outwardly, not to be confused with looking within. I really don't understand why people think so. It is very possible that they're just blind to the fact.). How else would I grow? How else would any of us grow? And yes there is the high possibility that many do this unconsciously, but I do this daily. Currently I would call myself a procrastinator. Or more politely I have a tendency to not finish projects on time. This is because I tend to hide in my refuge: myself. In fact I might as well call this problem "Introvertedness", which isn't really a word, but I am quite introverted, so there. It's a safe haven for me. For example, I will leave very, very important projects until last minute, because either 1) something more important with my mental health came into view or 2) I feel as though to get past my stubborn ways I must reflect on what is holding me back, which sounds made up, but oddly enough that is what I do. A more pressing matter as of late, I found out that I intimidate people. I just irks me when people appear to be putting up some sort of protective defense against me. All I did was walk in the room. I get one of two responses from people when I FINALLY befriend them. "Oh I thought you were just stuck up" or, "I didn't notice you, you seemed incredibly shy". Where this misconception came from I have, well....never mind thats not entirely true. See when a person is quiet, they give off a vibe of "I just want to be left alone", which is very true, but I do sometimes want to reach out towards others. This again leads me back to being introverted. I keep to myself most of the times because I do not communicate well with others. Numerous times I've had terrible experiences, one could say I have my good days and my bad days. Which is ironic because I've managed to speak several languages (literally) throughout my life with fluency, but I hate speaking to people. Go figure! What I do, do though is everyday I try very hard to participate, even though I do get shot down. I'd rather get shot down then tell the person the truth. Frankly, I see straight to answer every time, I just really don't want to point it out because then I'm labeled as cocky or rude. Hey, it's not my fault you don't like the truth. I like to tell it as it is. It's just that has gotten me into so much trouble that I fear of offending too many people. My aunt calls me I forgot the exact word, but a person that looks at every possibility before answering. And yes I have been wrong before, but I've learned from those mistakes and it just adds to my knowledge of where to obtain my answers or truths. And sometimes people say that the quiet ones with come out on top, so maybe one day I can reverse this to make it my forte.
I don't really enjoy talking about my success/ strengths/ best qualities, but I have to anyway. It's just how many times does someone not believe you when you tell them or scoff at your pride? Too many, but I'll continue. One of my strengths is my ambition. A great example is the humanities project we had. I decided, (why? I have no clue, other than I wanted to make my teachers proud, which I never manage to do), that I should make the artifacts from scratch. Boy was that stupid. I'm was just thinking, "Oh, a harp, I can make a harp, and the Standard of Ur (which broke), the head of Uruk (which also broke), a Ziggurat, a seal stone, tablets with cunieform, etc.. " But you see the only time I have ambition is when I don't think. I did it all on impulse. For a 10th grade simple project, I decided I would do an oil painting, my first oil painting. It came out rather good actually, but why did I do that? I certainly cannot answer it other than to ambition and to win the hearts of comrades (a.k.a. teachers and students, little did I know that they'd get mad/jealous, or don't believe that I did it). I dont' know if anyone has detected fustration but all I really want to do is please everyone. This brings me to my best trait of all. I'm a caring person. If you break my trust, hurt me (oh boy am I sensitive) or betray me, then you'll never see the same Katherine again. But I will do anything, or go to the end of the world just to make sure you're taken care of or that you're happy. I love to make people smile. My best accomplishments in this area is decorating the house to make it comfortable not only for me, but for those who come to it and candy striping. I just recently finished repainting my room, buying new furniture and building some too. And I have to say, I've had some of my happiest memories at home with friends and family. And when I'm at the hospital bringing people fresh water, or talking to them (mainly foreign patients, because some American patients are awfully cranky) they smile, which just makes me the happiest person.
I don't know that I would say this was exactly difficult for me (I mean it did take a while because I was making chicken curry for lunch tomorrow), but sometimes I just don't really want to tell people anything, because I've never found someone who cares as much as I do. My weaknesses and strengths as listed are plainly there, but I have to say i'm not willing to budge much more because I saw this exercise as an exercise that is supposed to make us think, reflect, and maybe change, but I just need for someone else to change. This has done nothing more than help me tell you some of what I think about, but I don't think is ever hard it's just silly because people are selfish.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
sometimes it just makes you stronger
Why do the right thing if you are only punished for doing so? I have to admit I'm still having trouble figuring out that one. I'm a very observant person. I tend to look into many situations pessimistically with some occasional optimism, but it's hard to when all you see is the good people around you constantly being punished. For example, when my mom died I remember my aunt saying that "The good ones always go first." When I heard this I took it personally, like God hated me just like Job thought about the LORD. Yes, it eased my pain a little to know that my mom was good and she didn't die because she had done something wrong in her life. But for the following 20 or so Sundays that I went to church I would refuse to bless myself, look at alter, or follow along during mass. When an event as strong as this one hits you, it makes you think. Well, I thought, and for a long time I questioned. What did I do to make her die? Is it my fault? I remember bargaining with God, maybe if I behaved she'd come back? Or maybe if I could exchange her for my beloved dog she'd come back? I just couldn't see what was wrong. I was in a fog. Nothing else existed except me and this problem.
Another instance is when I found out I had an overactive thyroid. I thought God was punishing me. I was in 4th grade. What could I have possibly done to make God give me such an illness? But, this made me think (more productively this time) that things don't always have to happen for a reason, and maybe I did misbehave when I was little and didn't want to go to Ukrainian school when all the other kids got to watch Saturday morning cartoons, but that doesn't necessarily mean its tied with my illness. In my opinion, they're not related, then and currently I think so because every event is separate on their own accord. Sometimes things just happen, and sometimes they make you stronger. But everything bad will always happen, and you can't stop it. You can only hope that God was just trying to show you something. And many of times he was. Well, at least he taught me a lot more than I think others have learned around me.
In the book of Job, I saw Job as a good, not upstanding, but a person who functioned the way he was supposed to. I don't know Job personally, but I feel as thought if the author had gone more in depth with the book of Job, maybe we'd all see that Job had a lesson to learn. Frankly, the reason I think the time in which the author wrote this was a time in which he was trying to prove that he had done nothing wrong or Job. Maybe if we all looked at our misfortunes, we'd see that there is something to be learned in the process or the aftermath. It's not because God hates us or that we are simply perfect and have done nothing wrong. It's because we're human and sometime we don't always look from the outside in. Job does a lot of complaining and maybe he could have sat and reflected. It's sort of like the song my Bob Marley, "Be Happy, Don't Worry". Whenever I'm having one of those days where I feel as though I'm being punished for nothing, I listen to it. Many of my punishments deal with social relationships and I feel as though God's trying to show me that if I just reached out a little further, there'd me someone there to grab my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Nothing bad should happen to people, but they do. That's what society has told me. But sometimes I look at differently. I think everyone should be punished because we can be internally bad and externally to others very angelic. And when vise versa occurs its all okay too. We're human and sometimes it just makes you stronger. I can't emphasize it enough. A human race that we're all included in is made up of people and they're separate problems. If we all looked at our punishments as guidance we'd see that we're not always good.
Another instance is when I found out I had an overactive thyroid. I thought God was punishing me. I was in 4th grade. What could I have possibly done to make God give me such an illness? But, this made me think (more productively this time) that things don't always have to happen for a reason, and maybe I did misbehave when I was little and didn't want to go to Ukrainian school when all the other kids got to watch Saturday morning cartoons, but that doesn't necessarily mean its tied with my illness. In my opinion, they're not related, then and currently I think so because every event is separate on their own accord. Sometimes things just happen, and sometimes they make you stronger. But everything bad will always happen, and you can't stop it. You can only hope that God was just trying to show you something. And many of times he was. Well, at least he taught me a lot more than I think others have learned around me.
In the book of Job, I saw Job as a good, not upstanding, but a person who functioned the way he was supposed to. I don't know Job personally, but I feel as thought if the author had gone more in depth with the book of Job, maybe we'd all see that Job had a lesson to learn. Frankly, the reason I think the time in which the author wrote this was a time in which he was trying to prove that he had done nothing wrong or Job. Maybe if we all looked at our misfortunes, we'd see that there is something to be learned in the process or the aftermath. It's not because God hates us or that we are simply perfect and have done nothing wrong. It's because we're human and sometime we don't always look from the outside in. Job does a lot of complaining and maybe he could have sat and reflected. It's sort of like the song my Bob Marley, "Be Happy, Don't Worry". Whenever I'm having one of those days where I feel as though I'm being punished for nothing, I listen to it. Many of my punishments deal with social relationships and I feel as though God's trying to show me that if I just reached out a little further, there'd me someone there to grab my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Nothing bad should happen to people, but they do. That's what society has told me. But sometimes I look at differently. I think everyone should be punished because we can be internally bad and externally to others very angelic. And when vise versa occurs its all okay too. We're human and sometimes it just makes you stronger. I can't emphasize it enough. A human race that we're all included in is made up of people and they're separate problems. If we all looked at our punishments as guidance we'd see that we're not always good.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
We've all overdosed on life
Hmmmmm...... is a lovely thought that comes to mind when one thinks of how we'll all be judged one day, that fatal day. It's like the Book of the Dead or Hammurabi's code of laws because they're the perfect things in life that should be done and punishments for those not done correctly greatly effect you outcome. In the Book of the Dead the pharaohs pride themselves on being holy and perfect, which cannot possibly be true. We're humans, humanity should be this way and would be greater in this way, but will never succumb to such "filthy" matters. Then with Hammurabi's code of laws one must sanction thyself or feel the wrath of those around you. Or maybe Karma should be the prime example, if that is easier for others to relate to. You can think it's all going to come back and get you in the end because it will. There are countless times in which maybe I am looking for these "karmatic" situations, and they're everywhere. I myself am not perfect, but I strive to be; to be the better person. The good will always haunt my mind, maybe because I have done so much wrong already? Who knows but I certainly will have to say media like Gilmore Girls has made me want to be a serene and knowledgeable person on right and wrong. I feel so old saying this but, "In my days I've seen too much wrong and very little good, but know the difference immediately between both." Ah ha! Wouldn't we all say this or some affect to it? Possibly, but no one is smart enough to act in such a way automatically. I'm not saying that anyone is stupid,yet just morally, and sensibly corrupt, which isn't much better.
I'm just me and no one else, but I try so hard sometimes just to make sure I do the right thing and that others do too. Personally I'd rather not engross everyone on the details of my life, being as touchy as that subject may be. But, I've been bad, sometimes so bad you'd think there's something wrong. Of course there are things wrong, but no one understands them. Moreover I'm not a person of gray. What I mean by this is that I do everything in extremes. I'm the the "black or white kid" as my 7th grade guidance counselor would say. I don't think compromise is supposed to be subjected within oneself, rather it should be with someone else. I'm a conflict within a conflict. Many of times I don't make sense, but who's to say I'm not weighed out in the end. Maybe I can be the perfect balance on the scales of Osiris?
I'd say the value of life is nothing like the meaning of life. You must see what that person has done, intended to do, and will do because all three forms of their actions are what a person, every person, is composed of. You can judge them upon this and who they are morally, because time and time again has shown morals will rise above all. Why do you think we have Hammurabi's code of laws, the Book of the Dead, directors of media still today making sure there is a meaning or a lesson learned in their media? Because common sense never failed any of us. This decision is made every single day of our lives. We judge every person we see, whether consciously or subconsciously, we do it. Like that girl you hated in school because she was most popular, whether you admit to it or not you still hate her, because she didn't realize she was hurting you, because if she did: Wouldn't she be your friend? Maybe even, nice to you? The meaning and purpose of life is different for anyone, because if I tried to explain it, it would only pertain to me. We all life separate lives, none can be equally measured, and no one is really wrong, just confused.
A better sense of me and where I want my life to go:
A)5 things I want to accomplish or have
1. True love... I want to find that person who is the other half, my perfect other half.
2. I want to have a perfect home, one that has history, yet modern amenities, the perfect
husband (previously described in my last blog), a child or two and to teach them the right
way to live life.
3. I want to travel the world, see everyone and everyplace.
4. I want to relax just once, without worrying, feeling guilty or incompetent.
5. I want to go to Yale and pursue International Law
B) What those five things mean to me:
1. I feel as though if I found that person that I clicked with, I wouldn't have to constantly think about my horrible past.
2. I think I want to perfect family life because I never had what I assumed to be a perfect home life. Something to the affect of Martha Stewart would please me.
3. I want to travel the world because no matter where I go I feel at home and connect with all the people. You would not believe how many times I am NOT considered a tourist.
4. I never really relaxed, because my dad thinks I"m lazy, and everyone is always so busy and has no time for me, that if I'm busy I'm in a way having time for me.
5. I want to go to Yale because I believe I deserve the highest education and the best. I was born in New Haven. My dad own houses mainly, 2 family houses to be exact, that he rents to Yale students. I grew up in that area (figuratively). I go to Ukrainian school on Saturdays on George Street. It's my life and I can see it going there and no where else. It's given me the warmest impression and I haven't even gone on one of their tours because I'm convinced I belong there. Think of your warmest childhood memory and what pops into my mind is Yale. Because Yale feels not like a towering Ivy League but a pal to joke around with, or family. It's home for me, at least.
C) What those 5 things mean to humanity:
1. True love makes everyone happy. It doesn't make you cocky, it doesn't make you harsh, it's a feeling of zen. Serene power within that makes everyone feel secure.
2.If only everyones family life were perfect, yes we'd all be the same or quite similar, but happiness is key for humanity. We shouldn't be sad forever.
3.Travel helps us all realize that there are (hands on) people who are less fortunate, history and a sense of unity.
4.Relaxation is the key to living, because not many live for a long time with a cranky attitude.
5.Education is also the key to happiness. It's everyone's key to success.
Mainly my short sentences and thoughts are meant to be elaborated upon within your mind because I don't think I should tell anyone what to think. Mainly because with no matter how many years of experience with words no one can exactly formulate a sentence that everyone will get the same response to. So, feel free and think what my life and my opinions mean to you.
I'm just me and no one else, but I try so hard sometimes just to make sure I do the right thing and that others do too. Personally I'd rather not engross everyone on the details of my life, being as touchy as that subject may be. But, I've been bad, sometimes so bad you'd think there's something wrong. Of course there are things wrong, but no one understands them. Moreover I'm not a person of gray. What I mean by this is that I do everything in extremes. I'm the the "black or white kid" as my 7th grade guidance counselor would say. I don't think compromise is supposed to be subjected within oneself, rather it should be with someone else. I'm a conflict within a conflict. Many of times I don't make sense, but who's to say I'm not weighed out in the end. Maybe I can be the perfect balance on the scales of Osiris?
I'd say the value of life is nothing like the meaning of life. You must see what that person has done, intended to do, and will do because all three forms of their actions are what a person, every person, is composed of. You can judge them upon this and who they are morally, because time and time again has shown morals will rise above all. Why do you think we have Hammurabi's code of laws, the Book of the Dead, directors of media still today making sure there is a meaning or a lesson learned in their media? Because common sense never failed any of us. This decision is made every single day of our lives. We judge every person we see, whether consciously or subconsciously, we do it. Like that girl you hated in school because she was most popular, whether you admit to it or not you still hate her, because she didn't realize she was hurting you, because if she did: Wouldn't she be your friend? Maybe even, nice to you? The meaning and purpose of life is different for anyone, because if I tried to explain it, it would only pertain to me. We all life separate lives, none can be equally measured, and no one is really wrong, just confused.
A better sense of me and where I want my life to go:
A)5 things I want to accomplish or have
1. True love... I want to find that person who is the other half, my perfect other half.
2. I want to have a perfect home, one that has history, yet modern amenities, the perfect
husband (previously described in my last blog), a child or two and to teach them the right
way to live life.
3. I want to travel the world, see everyone and everyplace.
4. I want to relax just once, without worrying, feeling guilty or incompetent.
5. I want to go to Yale and pursue International Law
B) What those five things mean to me:
1. I feel as though if I found that person that I clicked with, I wouldn't have to constantly think about my horrible past.
2. I think I want to perfect family life because I never had what I assumed to be a perfect home life. Something to the affect of Martha Stewart would please me.
3. I want to travel the world because no matter where I go I feel at home and connect with all the people. You would not believe how many times I am NOT considered a tourist.
4. I never really relaxed, because my dad thinks I"m lazy, and everyone is always so busy and has no time for me, that if I'm busy I'm in a way having time for me.
5. I want to go to Yale because I believe I deserve the highest education and the best. I was born in New Haven. My dad own houses mainly, 2 family houses to be exact, that he rents to Yale students. I grew up in that area (figuratively). I go to Ukrainian school on Saturdays on George Street. It's my life and I can see it going there and no where else. It's given me the warmest impression and I haven't even gone on one of their tours because I'm convinced I belong there. Think of your warmest childhood memory and what pops into my mind is Yale. Because Yale feels not like a towering Ivy League but a pal to joke around with, or family. It's home for me, at least.
C) What those 5 things mean to humanity:
1. True love makes everyone happy. It doesn't make you cocky, it doesn't make you harsh, it's a feeling of zen. Serene power within that makes everyone feel secure.
2.If only everyones family life were perfect, yes we'd all be the same or quite similar, but happiness is key for humanity. We shouldn't be sad forever.
3.Travel helps us all realize that there are (hands on) people who are less fortunate, history and a sense of unity.
4.Relaxation is the key to living, because not many live for a long time with a cranky attitude.
5.Education is also the key to happiness. It's everyone's key to success.
Mainly my short sentences and thoughts are meant to be elaborated upon within your mind because I don't think I should tell anyone what to think. Mainly because with no matter how many years of experience with words no one can exactly formulate a sentence that everyone will get the same response to. So, feel free and think what my life and my opinions mean to you.
Friday, October 3, 2008
It's my life and I can try if I want to... (please read in a monotonous voice, maybe even casually laugh)
When I think about my life, one question always pops into my head, "What am I doing here?". I grew up in a house with a mom, a dad, no siblings, and a smattering of pets throughout the years. You could also say there were some significant events that took place. First it started with one health problem, a death, another health problem, dance issues, family problems, and frustration. The list does go on and on, but a small summary of each satisfies that need that we humans have to hear juicy details.
At the age of 9 I was not a social kid, I was obsessed with art, and I was diagnosed with a hyperactive thyroid. Naturally my parents took me to the best doctor at Yale New Haven Hospital. I can recall that day, sitting there on that ugly greenish blue table. The doctor came in and confirmed what the pediatricians had said, "Your thyroid is in fact hyperactive.", and then he said "You have 3 choices: iodine radiation, surgery and... (unfortunately I forgot the last one)". I remembered how badly I wanted to cry, and all I could think of were all the sick kids in hospital beds who just had surgery and how "messed up" they were . I was traumatized. Then the next thing that is just as equally traumatizing was when they took me into another room and decided to draw blood from me. I was fine with it, but not with the hyperactive thyroid. To make matters much worse I persisted to cry, no, more like sob. Then the hospital clowns (I'm not kidding by the way) came into the room and my father had to hold me in his lap very tightly so they could draw blood. Ever since I never could come to terms with peacefully going for blood tests.
When I was 12 on November 24th 2003 my mom passed away. She wasn't the healthiest person but she wasn't sick either. Her death was rather sudden and startling. No one had expected it and as many adults declare and so will I, "I remember that day as if it was yesterday." My aunt picked me up after school when she told me that mom was in the emergency room and that everything was going to be fine. We went to go get Wendy's for my mom, because coici (it means aunt in Polish) was the one who took her. I found out she was having some chest pains and they did some testing, but needed to further investigate. My dad soon arrived and I remember hearing my mom and coici talking about if she had been smoking recently. I think my mom said no, and coici remarked that, that was a lie. Well, later that night she was transferred up to her room. My dad was putting her coat into the small closet in the hospital and my mom told me to get her pajamas. I grabbed them while she went to the bathroom. Next thing you know she collapsed on the floor, had what appeared to be a concussion and the last words that she uttered was my name. Dropping everything I rushed over, screamed for a nurse. No one came, I ran out into the hallway and then finally they shooed us out and tried to revive her. It appeared that she had gotten a concussion, and either had a blood clot or a massive heart attack. At that point we had no clue that she had a small chance of living. My dad and I went to the little kitchen and waited. All I kept thinking was, "Oh my god what if she's dead?", then I started to say it out loud. I remember my dad told me, "Don't say things like that!" Instantly it reminded me of when my grandma in Poland passed away and I missed school for 2 weeks. Then I was thinking, "Cool I get to miss school," immaturely and thinking "Wow, now I'm destined to go to Hell. God is probably watching me right now." The doctor came and calmly said, "I'm sorry sir but your wife has passed away." His calmness shocked me. I wanted to rush in there and try to revive her myself!
Now that I look back on it I feel so responsible and mature. As soon as she died I offered to call all the family, members. My dad didn't even offer, but the nurse did. Then my counselor in seventh grade called the house the next day and asked how I was feeling. I said fine and said I'll be ready for school the next day. She was astonished and suggested I stay at home as long as needed. But everyone thought it was denial. Still to this day I haven't had the time to grieve, which isn't normal according to many people. It's not like I can bring her back. What's the point?
Since the beginning of my thyroid problems I had noticed that I was abnormally tired. Come to find out as of recent that it was because I had chronic fatigue syndrome, anemia, and that I'm not producing enough blood cells. I thought I was just deprived of sleep. Maybe even extremely lazy. Much to my dismay no one really believes me. For example, the nurses at school don't think my doctor is a real doctor. How funny?
Then dance became a huge event in my life. I lived for dance. I don't mean to brag but I was good. I almost had it all, but when you glaze over the fact that in dance the politics are heavier than the ones currently in the government. You can get into a bit of trouble. For instance, since freshman year, when I first started Ukrainian Folk dancing. I worked my way up fast, too fast for some. Many people did not like it and I didn't make many friends. To put it lightly it's taken four years for me to finally get on their good side and its only just beginning.
My family has had problems way before I was born. I was the victim in every situation. My parents would fight. Sides of the family would have "problems" that don't need to be elaborated upon. And i sympathize with those who have problems or multiple problems, because I can honestly say, "No matter what problem you throw at me I'll understand exactly what you're talking about."The best example to show what I mean by such a confident statement is living in my house with my father for 17 years. Sure he's nice, the typical soft voiced immigrant, and so on. Don't let it fool you. He's smarter than you think. Definitely, as rude and disrespectful as this is (which I hate to do and I never should use the word hate, but here's an exception) my dad is like Hitlers, Stalin's, and the devils twin. I honestly don't think I've ever been parented the proper way. The way most kids should be. I do everything by myself. No one ever helps me. I've been cooking since 3rd grade. When my mom died I cooked everything, breakfast, dinner, my school lunches. My dad didn't go to college. He does not know how to help me with homework if I ever need it. He has me write emails for him because his grammar is just so bad. He says not nice things to me. Degrades my confidence. He tells me, "No you can't be a cook. That doesn't pay much. You can't be an artist. You can't be a homemaker." No one believes me, because I'm a child. I don't know any better. In fact I believe I'm more mature than the most mature people in my age range. I didn't have a childhood. After my mom died, I wasn't let out of the house. Friends disappeared over the years. He's so opinionated , and 80% of the time I'm right. Therefore he hates it, he says he loves me as all parents should but deeply angry.
My frustration gets tugged in a few directions. First I'm mad about school, love, and people. School, oh lovely school. I'm not mad about grades, I just hate the American school system. And my father says don't say that, but why not? Because who's feelings am I going to hurt other than everyone who in a way is hurting mine by being taught his way. I think all Americans should hear it. The students are so disrespectful and then they say, "Oh I know" and try to be what they think is respectful but in truth there no where close. We don't learn at a good level. High School students in Europe know as much as college students know here. Proof can be said over and over again, but Americans are too proud, I think, to admit such things, or to realize the truth. It's mind boggling to see people ignore the facts. On that note, homeopathy. Why is it not recognized? I strongly believe in it, not only because it saved my life, but because they U.S. pharmaceutical companies are cheating its populace. Why on earth would they do that? Is money that great when you know your the cause of pain, suffering and death of all those Americans who take those pills. The pills that say get they rid of e.g. allergies, but can cause damage to your liver. Honestly, and yes the cure to cancer has been found, but we're too ignorant. Then I'm, I know very picky about who I want to date. Boys are extremely immature. My list of big "no-nos" consists of: they can't be creepy, geeky, stupid, rude, weird, or extremely ugly. Now yes that narrows things down, a lot. But I can't compromise any of this. Why you say, because I've had guys that were friends who fit into a no-no category and they became more than friends and it DID NOT work out. And then the ones that fit the description automatically get nervous or why around me, why? I can't deal with that. My life is complicated I can't handle them in that way. Would it be so hard for a loving caring, non ugly, not crazy maniac to just ask me out? Save me heart attack, for goodness sake. I wouldn't be able to deal with rejection just yet. Since that's an everlasting rabbit's hole, what about my frustration with people? I hate counselor or people that think they can help me. At one time I thought they could. I want to them to, but they don't know what to do with me because I'm ambitious. When I want something done I get it done. When they can't help me right away I'm just going to fix it myself. I understand my problems the best. I could talk for weeks on each subject and more that I've already elaborated on. I also don't like the people in our school, most actually not all. Amity is a stuck up school. Richer parents send their spoiled kids to school, not to say I'm not spoiled from time to time. But I realize everything, I look at every point of view. I'm not going to be a primadonna, for who's satisfaction? Certainly not my own.
I spilt it all, well almost. Getting to the point. Well don't we all want to get there sometimes. A narrative could be interesting, but as you can see from the sampling of some of my life stories, its complicated. My life can't really be simplified into two sentence summaries of each problem that was extremely important in my life. The one piece of advice is going to have to be a collection of them. When I was younger my mother used to tell me every night before I went to bed some stories. They were called Kathy stories (having nothing to do with my name). My mom had a best friend who is still alive and she would tell me a story of Kathy's experiences. They all had a message to them. I use those pieces of advice everyday of my life, just to keep me going because I know that I'm destined for something greater even if no one believes me. "We all have our own paths, but only you travel your own, and you Katherine will never truly be understood by others" In a nutshell that was the piece of advice I got from my mother one night when she and I were chatting up a storm. This is really out of the blue, but since I'm pouring out my soul. I'd just like to say I want to go to Yale. I speak 7 languages and understand everything I am taught in immense detail, but I've never had the chance to prove myself. Because I'm so busy, exhausted and so hurt that it's too difficult to even bother to try to explain in a nutshell, my life. So I'm not going to falter when Yale doesn't accept me, because I know I don't abide by the American standard. And even though I want the best education, I learned from all my mom's advice that I'm my best teacher.
At the age of 9 I was not a social kid, I was obsessed with art, and I was diagnosed with a hyperactive thyroid. Naturally my parents took me to the best doctor at Yale New Haven Hospital. I can recall that day, sitting there on that ugly greenish blue table. The doctor came in and confirmed what the pediatricians had said, "Your thyroid is in fact hyperactive.", and then he said "You have 3 choices: iodine radiation, surgery and... (unfortunately I forgot the last one)". I remembered how badly I wanted to cry, and all I could think of were all the sick kids in hospital beds who just had surgery and how "messed up" they were . I was traumatized. Then the next thing that is just as equally traumatizing was when they took me into another room and decided to draw blood from me. I was fine with it, but not with the hyperactive thyroid. To make matters much worse I persisted to cry, no, more like sob. Then the hospital clowns (I'm not kidding by the way) came into the room and my father had to hold me in his lap very tightly so they could draw blood. Ever since I never could come to terms with peacefully going for blood tests.
When I was 12 on November 24th 2003 my mom passed away. She wasn't the healthiest person but she wasn't sick either. Her death was rather sudden and startling. No one had expected it and as many adults declare and so will I, "I remember that day as if it was yesterday." My aunt picked me up after school when she told me that mom was in the emergency room and that everything was going to be fine. We went to go get Wendy's for my mom, because coici (it means aunt in Polish) was the one who took her. I found out she was having some chest pains and they did some testing, but needed to further investigate. My dad soon arrived and I remember hearing my mom and coici talking about if she had been smoking recently. I think my mom said no, and coici remarked that, that was a lie. Well, later that night she was transferred up to her room. My dad was putting her coat into the small closet in the hospital and my mom told me to get her pajamas. I grabbed them while she went to the bathroom. Next thing you know she collapsed on the floor, had what appeared to be a concussion and the last words that she uttered was my name. Dropping everything I rushed over, screamed for a nurse. No one came, I ran out into the hallway and then finally they shooed us out and tried to revive her. It appeared that she had gotten a concussion, and either had a blood clot or a massive heart attack. At that point we had no clue that she had a small chance of living. My dad and I went to the little kitchen and waited. All I kept thinking was, "Oh my god what if she's dead?", then I started to say it out loud. I remember my dad told me, "Don't say things like that!" Instantly it reminded me of when my grandma in Poland passed away and I missed school for 2 weeks. Then I was thinking, "Cool I get to miss school," immaturely and thinking "Wow, now I'm destined to go to Hell. God is probably watching me right now." The doctor came and calmly said, "I'm sorry sir but your wife has passed away." His calmness shocked me. I wanted to rush in there and try to revive her myself!
Now that I look back on it I feel so responsible and mature. As soon as she died I offered to call all the family, members. My dad didn't even offer, but the nurse did. Then my counselor in seventh grade called the house the next day and asked how I was feeling. I said fine and said I'll be ready for school the next day. She was astonished and suggested I stay at home as long as needed. But everyone thought it was denial. Still to this day I haven't had the time to grieve, which isn't normal according to many people. It's not like I can bring her back. What's the point?
Since the beginning of my thyroid problems I had noticed that I was abnormally tired. Come to find out as of recent that it was because I had chronic fatigue syndrome, anemia, and that I'm not producing enough blood cells. I thought I was just deprived of sleep. Maybe even extremely lazy. Much to my dismay no one really believes me. For example, the nurses at school don't think my doctor is a real doctor. How funny?
Then dance became a huge event in my life. I lived for dance. I don't mean to brag but I was good. I almost had it all, but when you glaze over the fact that in dance the politics are heavier than the ones currently in the government. You can get into a bit of trouble. For instance, since freshman year, when I first started Ukrainian Folk dancing. I worked my way up fast, too fast for some. Many people did not like it and I didn't make many friends. To put it lightly it's taken four years for me to finally get on their good side and its only just beginning.
My family has had problems way before I was born. I was the victim in every situation. My parents would fight. Sides of the family would have "problems" that don't need to be elaborated upon. And i sympathize with those who have problems or multiple problems, because I can honestly say, "No matter what problem you throw at me I'll understand exactly what you're talking about."The best example to show what I mean by such a confident statement is living in my house with my father for 17 years. Sure he's nice, the typical soft voiced immigrant, and so on. Don't let it fool you. He's smarter than you think. Definitely, as rude and disrespectful as this is (which I hate to do and I never should use the word hate, but here's an exception) my dad is like Hitlers, Stalin's, and the devils twin. I honestly don't think I've ever been parented the proper way. The way most kids should be. I do everything by myself. No one ever helps me. I've been cooking since 3rd grade. When my mom died I cooked everything, breakfast, dinner, my school lunches. My dad didn't go to college. He does not know how to help me with homework if I ever need it. He has me write emails for him because his grammar is just so bad. He says not nice things to me. Degrades my confidence. He tells me, "No you can't be a cook. That doesn't pay much. You can't be an artist. You can't be a homemaker." No one believes me, because I'm a child. I don't know any better. In fact I believe I'm more mature than the most mature people in my age range. I didn't have a childhood. After my mom died, I wasn't let out of the house. Friends disappeared over the years. He's so opinionated , and 80% of the time I'm right. Therefore he hates it, he says he loves me as all parents should but deeply angry.
My frustration gets tugged in a few directions. First I'm mad about school, love, and people. School, oh lovely school. I'm not mad about grades, I just hate the American school system. And my father says don't say that, but why not? Because who's feelings am I going to hurt other than everyone who in a way is hurting mine by being taught his way. I think all Americans should hear it. The students are so disrespectful and then they say, "Oh I know" and try to be what they think is respectful but in truth there no where close. We don't learn at a good level. High School students in Europe know as much as college students know here. Proof can be said over and over again, but Americans are too proud, I think, to admit such things, or to realize the truth. It's mind boggling to see people ignore the facts. On that note, homeopathy. Why is it not recognized? I strongly believe in it, not only because it saved my life, but because they U.S. pharmaceutical companies are cheating its populace. Why on earth would they do that? Is money that great when you know your the cause of pain, suffering and death of all those Americans who take those pills. The pills that say get they rid of e.g. allergies, but can cause damage to your liver. Honestly, and yes the cure to cancer has been found, but we're too ignorant. Then I'm, I know very picky about who I want to date. Boys are extremely immature. My list of big "no-nos" consists of: they can't be creepy, geeky, stupid, rude, weird, or extremely ugly. Now yes that narrows things down, a lot. But I can't compromise any of this. Why you say, because I've had guys that were friends who fit into a no-no category and they became more than friends and it DID NOT work out. And then the ones that fit the description automatically get nervous or why around me, why? I can't deal with that. My life is complicated I can't handle them in that way. Would it be so hard for a loving caring, non ugly, not crazy maniac to just ask me out? Save me heart attack, for goodness sake. I wouldn't be able to deal with rejection just yet. Since that's an everlasting rabbit's hole, what about my frustration with people? I hate counselor or people that think they can help me. At one time I thought they could. I want to them to, but they don't know what to do with me because I'm ambitious. When I want something done I get it done. When they can't help me right away I'm just going to fix it myself. I understand my problems the best. I could talk for weeks on each subject and more that I've already elaborated on. I also don't like the people in our school, most actually not all. Amity is a stuck up school. Richer parents send their spoiled kids to school, not to say I'm not spoiled from time to time. But I realize everything, I look at every point of view. I'm not going to be a primadonna, for who's satisfaction? Certainly not my own.
I spilt it all, well almost. Getting to the point. Well don't we all want to get there sometimes. A narrative could be interesting, but as you can see from the sampling of some of my life stories, its complicated. My life can't really be simplified into two sentence summaries of each problem that was extremely important in my life. The one piece of advice is going to have to be a collection of them. When I was younger my mother used to tell me every night before I went to bed some stories. They were called Kathy stories (having nothing to do with my name). My mom had a best friend who is still alive and she would tell me a story of Kathy's experiences. They all had a message to them. I use those pieces of advice everyday of my life, just to keep me going because I know that I'm destined for something greater even if no one believes me. "We all have our own paths, but only you travel your own, and you Katherine will never truly be understood by others" In a nutshell that was the piece of advice I got from my mother one night when she and I were chatting up a storm. This is really out of the blue, but since I'm pouring out my soul. I'd just like to say I want to go to Yale. I speak 7 languages and understand everything I am taught in immense detail, but I've never had the chance to prove myself. Because I'm so busy, exhausted and so hurt that it's too difficult to even bother to try to explain in a nutshell, my life. So I'm not going to falter when Yale doesn't accept me, because I know I don't abide by the American standard. And even though I want the best education, I learned from all my mom's advice that I'm my best teacher.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
"A hero cannot be a hero unless in a heroic world." -Nathaniel Hawthorne
Nathaniel Hawthorne so creatively said, "A hero cannot be a hero unless in a heroic world." Indeed he or she cannot be, because whereupon beginnings are beginnings and since they have a sight of their origin they must have glimpse of the end. Too much of a good thing could spoil an individual, therefore "unhappy the land that needs heroes" said Bertolt Brecht, is apparently true. Each individual would in reality be spoiled and become too dependent upon such a character. But is there not a clue in the mentioning of character? Heroes are characters, not real people. Real they may be, but only for a moment. When a man saves a kitten from a tree. A little boy saves his friend from drowning in the pool. A security guard takes the bullet for his Majesty. These are all real events that happened some time or multiple times in history, but we must keep in mind that they are heroes for those 15 famous minutes or their time in the limelight. Our society could not cope with one individual constantly "saving the day" so to speak.
In the books Beowulf, The Odyssey, and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn there is one large common factor. The main characters are all heroes, in one sense or another, coming only from my opinion. For my definition of a hero is a recognized creature, human or not, that displays courage and selflessness, even though this could fit anyone in any situation. Although it does strongly apply to each of the following: Beowulf, Odysseus, and Huckleberry Finn. It only applied so well because the authors made the characters that way, they laid down the foundation for an accredited book to become well known and thus these heroes have gotten to us and our society and this very moment of me questioning, Is my definition of a hero, really the real definition?
Maybe I have neglected to see the true heroism that exists everyday. Only when one thinks of a real hero off the top of their heads; such as Joan of Arc. She was a heroine, but we do not know her personally and only her tale can now be told. This, which makes me recall, women too can be heroines. Who says not? Most examples of real heroes only seem to end with "-ines", so indeed they can. What about Elizabeth Blackwell the first woman to get a Ph.D. in medicine, Harriet Tubman that we all know saved the lives of countless slaves on the underground railroad, or what about Sammuramat the Assyrian queen who expanded Babylonian territory through direct contact in the battlefield? Are those not all heroic feats accomplished by women. Men appear to be the center of attention in society, but women are those who save the men and keep them sane in our society. There are no women characters in the books: Beowulf, The Odyssey, and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn; because as mentioned the authors had full control and we are male. The authors themselves were not selfless.
Everyone views heroes as something or someone special. In a way they are our models, someone to look up to, to aspire to. They do everything for those around them, but most importantly what is right for them. That is what makes everything that they do so grand, it fits like a puzzle into the tale or lifestyle. We'd all be better off aspiring to be heroic, not for the recognition, rather for the peace to keep within. We in fact do not need heroes because humans detest snooty people who show off. What we all need is the quiet hero within. Leave the real heroes to books in fantasy worlds that do not exist. Our lives are not an epic tale, we do not live in a book. However much we would desire this to be so, we cannot because life is just life not a novel worth reading.
In the books Beowulf, The Odyssey, and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn there is one large common factor. The main characters are all heroes, in one sense or another, coming only from my opinion. For my definition of a hero is a recognized creature, human or not, that displays courage and selflessness, even though this could fit anyone in any situation. Although it does strongly apply to each of the following: Beowulf, Odysseus, and Huckleberry Finn. It only applied so well because the authors made the characters that way, they laid down the foundation for an accredited book to become well known and thus these heroes have gotten to us and our society and this very moment of me questioning, Is my definition of a hero, really the real definition?
Maybe I have neglected to see the true heroism that exists everyday. Only when one thinks of a real hero off the top of their heads; such as Joan of Arc. She was a heroine, but we do not know her personally and only her tale can now be told. This, which makes me recall, women too can be heroines. Who says not? Most examples of real heroes only seem to end with "-ines", so indeed they can. What about Elizabeth Blackwell the first woman to get a Ph.D. in medicine, Harriet Tubman that we all know saved the lives of countless slaves on the underground railroad, or what about Sammuramat the Assyrian queen who expanded Babylonian territory through direct contact in the battlefield? Are those not all heroic feats accomplished by women. Men appear to be the center of attention in society, but women are those who save the men and keep them sane in our society. There are no women characters in the books: Beowulf, The Odyssey, and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn; because as mentioned the authors had full control and we are male. The authors themselves were not selfless.
Everyone views heroes as something or someone special. In a way they are our models, someone to look up to, to aspire to. They do everything for those around them, but most importantly what is right for them. That is what makes everything that they do so grand, it fits like a puzzle into the tale or lifestyle. We'd all be better off aspiring to be heroic, not for the recognition, rather for the peace to keep within. We in fact do not need heroes because humans detest snooty people who show off. What we all need is the quiet hero within. Leave the real heroes to books in fantasy worlds that do not exist. Our lives are not an epic tale, we do not live in a book. However much we would desire this to be so, we cannot because life is just life not a novel worth reading.
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